People tell me to move on and to let go as if doing any of those things are easy. I used to be one of those people. And I would like to smack my past self for ever thinking it would be that easy.
What am I to do with the love that remains?
A friend said that love is a feeling that will pass if not nurtured. Is it really that simple? It doesn’t feel that simple. How can I stop loving and caring for someone who has been my best friend and a lover for the past four years? I can’t even stop caring and loving the friends who have made an impact in my life, even if they’re no longer with me. Is it really that simple? Is it really that simple? Is it really that simple? IS IT REALLY THAT SIMPLE?
If you answer me from your heart of hearts, I know you will say it’s not that simple.
Can I completely forget the memories, the moments, the love I shared with him? Short of resorting to repression, I don’t think I can completely forget. For however long or short the time we’ve spent together, we were part of each other; our lives intertwined.
I wake up every day since the day it ended, and for a short time I fool myself into thinking I’m alright. Then reality sets in and the pain comes flooding into my being. There are hours when I forget and I feel calm, then the simplest memory flashes into my mind without my beckoning. Once again, I am rendered helpless, lost, and drowning in the sorrow of our parting.
It’s always been him and me. Thesis, graduating, getting on the dean’s list in our last semester, finding jobs, surviving work, enduring his mom, my disordered eating and depression, running, getting fit, travelling, vices…. We’ve always made a great team. I always imagined we’d get through all of life’s calms and storms together. But now, our life together has ended.
How do I just move on and let go?
I know I can do this if I just take it one day at a time, but that doesn’t make the struggle less painful or the pain less real.
August 19, 2011 at 11:57 am
I just had a 4 1/2 year relationship end as well… I’m having a hard time with it. I’ve been in a longer relationship, my first, but I wasn’t in love the whole time like I was with this last. You don’t have to stop loving them. You don’t even have to try and let them go. Just let the feelings be. They will not be easy to deal with. I know she still loves me, but sometimes love is not enough. Monogamy is a choice, and it takes work. Also compatibility comes into play, and sometimes you work for a while, and then one or both change and suddenly you are no longer on the same road. I hardly cried for the first 7-8 weeks… And though she called it a break, I knew it wasn’t. Most likely it was just too hard to break up after being together so long. Not to mention, we still loved one another. But something had changed, something that took her in a different direction than “us”. And now I am alone again, something I haven’t enjoyed in the past, though not something I’ve tried to avoid either, meaning I don’t just jump in one relationship after another… No, I take my hits. Mostly I’ve been pouring my energies into my self, things I love, and things I seemed to have drifted away from while in this particular relationship. Primarily writing. So I am writing again, but would gladly stop if it meant getting her back. But I know that most likely that is not a good thing. She wasn’t encouraging in regard to my writing, not that it’s her job to be, but she was also discouraging, which isn’t/wasn’t good. I miss her. All the time. I feel and still love her. Keep busy, but realize when you come to stillness again these feelings will be there waiting. Spend time with loved one’s, but also realize when they are gone, these feelings will once again be there waiting for you. One of the things that has probably helped me the most with this particular heartache is that I’ve been through worse before. I’ve been through my first which was an 8+ year relationship, and we were most likely not in love for better than half of it (didn’t figure that out until after it was over). The next was a two to three month powerful relationship with a very good friend… My heart was obliterated when she went back to her ex. And several years back was my third love, who I actually married a year after we met… And sadly we separated one year after that. Like I say, these things have prepared me a bit I suppose, but in this last relationship I was actually in love with her the whole 4 1/2 years, which was a new experience for me. I miss her, I love her, I’m trying to be ok… But it is hard. All the best to yah
DarkJade-
August 20, 2011 at 5:07 am
Hi DarkJade. So just let the feelings be? That’s truly the only advice I’ve heard that makes sense. My friends would probably say I have a martyr complex or something like that, but whatever…. I did tell him that, you know; I said, “I guess love isn’t enough.” The pain really keeps coming dude. I don’t know know how much more I can take. My friends are there to comfort me, but when I wake up in the middle of the night, it’s just me and my pain.
August 20, 2011 at 6:27 am
Love really isn’t enough, but you don’t need to stop loving him. My heart still feels completely connected to hers, but she isn’t here. It’s a very strange thing. Fortunately it comes in waves, I’m not miserable every moment of the day. However, like you, when I wake up in the middle of the night, it’s the loss of her in my everyday life that I feel. You’re not a martyr, you’re just not ready to move on yet. It’s hard to say when you will be. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, it just makes it easier to live with the wounds you have. But time moves slowly, it’s not in a rush, and you shouldn’t try to rush it. I’m the first to say pain sucks. Keep in mind also, the more you feel also reflects the capacity your heart is able to feel. Meaning, you’ve probably got a huge heart. And that isn’t all bad, it also means that you have a tremendous capacity for joy and love, and happiness which makes life amazing. Or at least, potentially amazing. The more you feel, the more you will also heal… It’s just important to take breaks from it yah know. Write, be with loved one’s, do the things you love… These things are great distractions, that also help to heal your heart. You’re fine. Chances are you will love again because it’s your nature, and because you’ve loved before, but it doesn’t need to be now. Like I say, I’ve always wanted to find the “one”, but instead I have been in love four times, and I don’t regret a moment of any of them. Each one was it’s own thing. This last one I admit was by far the best over all relationship, which makes it hard to move on, but perhaps it also means I’ve grown and learned from the other one’s. Perhaps my experiences prior to it helped to open my mind and heart to a better situation. And when I say better, what I mean is I think we were more compatible than any of the others, and, it’s the longest I’ve stayed in love with someone. The previous were either shorter, and ended fairly quicker, and the 8 year relationship, I wasn’t in love and didn’t know it, and so was very numb through at least 4 years of it. Numb isn’t good. Anyway, just remember to breath. I sounds like you have great friends, and love the beach, the beach is good. Cut yourself some slack, you will be fine, in time.
DarkJade-