Me-time

In the hustle bustle of trying to be so many things to so many people, I guess I forgot to be a friend to myself.  I neglected my own needs like rest, time,  enjoyment, and happiness.  I don’t want to end up bitter like some people who realize that they lost so much time attending to other people and forgetting about themselves.  Sure, I’m the type of person who loves strongly and completely.  But I’m also the type who needs some time for personal interests.  I guess I forgot about the second part of me.

From here on out, I vow to not forget about myself and the things that interest me. (This vow has another benefit: giving my boyfriend time for his own friends and pursuits.  Hopefully, this will help us get to know ourselves more and thus build a stronger connection between us.)

Here are some of my plans:

• hang out with my friends more
• pursue my interests and passions (e.g. running, writing, reading, music, Yoga, Pilates, healthy living)
• catch up on some energy (and beauty) sleep
• take up meditation and chi power training

I’m quite happy to have made this empowering and life changing realization.  Things are going to get better now.

Best Moments

On our first date, he took me out for a mountain drive and dinner.  I wish I could’ve taken photos of us that day but I was too timid to show him how happy I was that he asked me on a date.  But I don’t think that matters.  Because every time I go back to that day, I still see everything so vividly.  The wind in my hair, “Bubbly” playing on his car CD player, me just feeling so happy to be with him.  I still see how green the grass were and how handsome he looked.  Everything is still so fresh in my mind.

Even the way I feel for him.

And I find myself going back to that day whenever I’m feeling sad.

~*0O0*~

I’m sad that the best moments in my life were in his company.  Because now that I let him break my heart into a million little pieces, those moments just make me cry.  I’m still with him because I don’t want anyone else but he’s told me he doesn’t feel the same way.

Am I hurting myself by staying? I still love him very much and I’m not ready to say goodbye.

I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to say goodbye.

So now I’m trying to give us a more time and space apart.  I miss him.  I miss telling him “I love you”.  I miss just showing him how I feel.  But if that makes him think I’m too emotional and clingy then I’ll try and stop.  I’ll give him his space and I’ll enjoy my time for myself.

I don’t think I’ll ever want to say goodbye.

We’ll see how this goes…..

Conversations Pt. 1

PCD: It’s about time we got to talking.

DMC: Yeah, I’ve been so busy all week…

PCD: I thought you were so keen on keeping me away.  For good.  Isn’t that why you signed up for therapy?

DMC: Yeah.  But I’ve found that working myself into exhaustion also works.

PCD: Kewl.  You wanna keep it that way?

DMC: What? Working myself into exhaustion just to avoid visits from you?

PCD: Yeah! Don’t you like it? I mean, you’re getting paid, too.  Wonderful trade off, huh?

DMC: No, not really.  I hate this.

PCD: Oh come on! Don’t be like that!

DMC: Oh sure, I’d like to keep working myself until I’m so exhausted for the rest of my life.  It’s like I’m pretending to be okay when I’m not.  I’m through with that.  It’s tiring.  Overworking myself is tiring. Even though I think I’m okay, there you are, rearing your ugly head.  Watching me as I get less and less sleep.  Watching my body slow down in exhaustion.  Please, let me be.  I just want to live my life.

PCD: Hey, I’m not forcing you to be my friend.  I’m not asking you to accept the hold I have on your life.  Did you know that you actually have a choice?

DMC: Sad thing is, I know I have a choice.

PCD: Then?….

DMC: I guess I’ve started using you as a reason to keep moving on with my life.  You’ve become this weird driving force behind my actions.  I don’t know what will happen if you disappear or when I start to deny you a space in my everyday life.

PCD: I’ve become comfortable, is that what you mean?

DMC: Yeah. I guess I’m afraid to make myself happy. But I think it’ll be such a wonderful change of pace….

PCD: I’ll miss you when that happens.

DMC: I think I will too.  But not that much.  I hope that one day I’ll reach a point where I won’t care if you’re gone forever.

PCD: Awwwww…..

DMC: It’s empowering to tell you all these things.  But this still doesn’t take care of the constant suicidal thoughts that cross my mind in my lowest hours….

PCD: Guess I’ll be talking to you again little miss.

Happiness In a Glance

Here in the office, I struggle to keep things interesting in my cubicle.  I haven’t completely made my space “me” so far but I’m doing so little by little.  One of the things that I immediately changed was my desktop wallpaper.  I wanted something that made me happy.  Something that inspired me to be creative.  And so I turned to my favorite community for creative individuals: deviantART.

One of my favorite artists there is Jiri Zraly aka Medhi.  His works whisk me away to a different place every time.  Here are some samples of his work:

Give in to Whimsy

I’m a crafter and a DIY-er.  Or at least I try to be.  But there are just some things that I cannot create because of some creative and technical limitations.    Take for example, the works of this lovely lady Niki.  She owns an etsy shop called Gleeful Peacock and the things she has for sale are just  beautiful.

The rings, the hair pieces, the necklaces…. I can’t get enough of them.  Which is why I took the opportunity to win any piece of my liking.

The Life is Beautiful blog is hosting this wonderful giveaway.

Thrive!

photo courtesy of Gleeful Peacock shop