Two nights ago, as I was on my way home, I passed by a church-slash-school. It was empty except for a little kid and the night guard.
The first thing that came to mind was “His (the kid’s) parents haven’t come to pick him up yet.” At that time, it really didn’t occur to me that the guard could be his father. (That thought just hit as I was writing this entry.)
What does that say about me?
It brought me back to my elementary years. My parents usually let me stay inside the school grounds until they came to pick me up. I wasn’t allowed out of the gates. I remember feeling envious towards my older cousins who were waited for their parents outside the school.
So one day, I begged my parents to let me experience that. And they gladly allowed it. The next day, I was so excited. I ran to my cousin’s classroom to tell her about the temporary change in my after-school routine. That afternoon, she held my hand as we crossed the street. We waited beside a snack shack where other students were waiting for their own parents or were getting tutored.
Almost two to three hours later, my dad came. My cousin already went home and I was bawling my eyes out. He got out of the car and just chuckled when he saw my state.
I really thought that my parents had left me (for dead. kidding.). I thought they had abandoned me. It didn’t seem like a crazy thought because my dad was never late in picking me up. He even go really mad if I didn’t come to the gate immediately.
I never really thought about this incident after that day. But I guess subconsciously, it has been affecting me.
That night when I saw the kid, I realized that I had developed this fear of abandonment. I contemplated on this for the rest of the jeepney ride home. I want to tell my parents what that night years ago did to me. But somehow, I feel that it really doesn’t matter if I tell them or not. Actually, I don’t want to tell them because my mom will guilt trip again and that would make me guilt trip.
Being abandoned or just the thought of being abandoned really scares me. However, it’s not as intense as before. I’ve come to accept that people will sometimes leave. You just have to wait for their return or move on. I don’t know if this seems pessimistic or just jaded. But it is reality. I know that and there is nothing I can do to change it.
I didn’t really know it but all those failed relationships and all those a-holes that I dated, they were just ways for me to experience the worst and realize the truth about life on earth. Sure, I had the freedom to walk away from all of them. But I didn’t have the inner strength back then. And I didn’t have my support system. I experienced abandonment at my worst and I abandoned people at my worst.
Call it shock therapy.
Today, I’d like to believe I’m better. I don’t’ really fear being abandoned as strongly as before. But I do admit that when it concerns people that I love, the fear sometimes paralyzes me. I no longer abandon people and I find that people no longer abandon me. When I cut off communication with someone, it usually means that they’re creating negative vibes in my safe space. And when people leave me, I try not to take it personally. I’ve given a part of me and what they decide is not mine to influence or change.
I’m still far from not fearing abandonment. I think everyone just wants someone in their life who will not leave them.
Me included.
